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Episode 9/Transcript
(Pooping noises are heard and the cheer squad is seen inside bathroom stalls) Brittnay: Fucking—! Oh my god, I feel like I'm having an abortion! Mackenzie: Why would God do this to me? Trisha: Ehhh, Squirtle! Mackenzie: How the fuck did this happen?! Trisha: (stops pooping) I think somebody may have put laxatives in our pre pep rally energy drinks. (starts pooping and shouting) Brittnay: Really, Trisha?! Really?! Ya think?! Trisha: (stops pooping) Well, I mean that's just my best guess...I couldn't say for certain without doing a—''(starts pooping)'' WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH!! Mackenzie: Ughhh--'Goddamn you Shay Van Buren!'' (A title card saying "One Hour Earlier" is seen. Deandra, Mikayla, and Shay are in the Van Burens' house.) Mikayla: You know, Shay, you really— Shay: What? Mikayla: You really shouldn't use more than a single dose of x-lax in each cup. Shay: Mikayla, I'm six feet tall and I weigh a hundred-and-five pounds. I think I know how to mix x-lax into a fucking drink, okay? Mikayla: No! But if you put too much, then it won't mix with the liquid and it'll just sit on top like semen on root beer. Deandra: Are you sure you're not a gremlin? Mikayla: I was born in 2003. I have no idea what that is. Deandra: Hmm... Sounds like something a gremlin would say. (A title card reading "One Hour Later" is seen. Deandra runs into the bathroom and begins pooping) Mackenzie: Oh my God, Deandra! They got you too! Deandra: Who got me? The three tostadas that I had for lunch? Yes, they got me. They got me bad. It did not help that they were made with coleslaw instead of lettuce. Brittnay: What the fuck are you talking about? Deandra: What the fuck are you talking about? Trisha: Apparently, the Van Buren family poisoned our pre-pep rally Pineapple juice. Deandra: Oh yeah, I already knew about that. Mackenzie, Trisha, Brittnay: What? Deandra: I mean... I--already... did not... knew... about that. Brittnay: If I didn't have Splash Mountain coming out of my ass I swear I'd rip your fucking head off. Mackenzie: Ughh! Get out! Get out! Of! Meeeeee! (gasps) Oh Shay Van Buren! We are gonna get you! We are gonna to get you so good! Deandra: Yeah! Dumb whore! (Deandra and the Van Burens are seen in their house again) Shay: Oh Mackenzie Zales! We are going to get you! We are going to get you so good! Deandra: Yeah! Dumb whore! Mikayla: Moooommmm!!! Jayna: What is it Mikayla? Mikayla: Shay is putting too much x-lax in the cheer leaders pre-pep rally energy drinks. Jayna: Shay! Give me that. You see girls, anything more than a tablespoon and the x-lax is just gonna sit on top like, well, um, semen on root beer. Mikayla: See? I told you! Shay: Shut up, lice head! Mikayla: (gasps) Mommy, what did you used to drink when you were a cheerleader? Jayna: Squeez-its and Zima, why? Shay: Can we take these now? Jayn: Yes, but make sure when they drink them, they drink them through straws, while standing, outdoors, no more than two hours from now, girls. If you wait any longer, you will kill them. Shay: Okay. C'mon Deandra. Mikayla: Can I come? Shay: We're going to the high school, not fucking Build-a-Bear. Jayna: Shay! Shay: Goddammit, fine! Jayna: Mommy needs a nap. Shay: By a nap, do you mean an Ambien and a box of wine? Jayna: What? Shay: Biye! Mikayla: Biye! Jayna: Biye! (The cheer squad and Deandra are now outside of the bathroom stalls.) Mackenzie: Shay Van Buren thought it would be funny to put x-lax in my pre pep rally energy drink. Because of that I missed the biggest pep rally of the entire year. The pep rally I was going to announce I was running for prom queen. Trisha: But—but what about Brittnay and I? Brittnay: Yeah, what the fuck?! Trisha: Yeah, Mackenzie, you already won Homecoming Queen. Mackenzie: I also won Candy Cane Princess at the winter social. But that doesn't fucking matter. I want prom. And to get it we need to fuck Shay Van Buren's life. Fuck it right in the ass. Brittnay: No lube! Trisha: Fisting! Deandra: With a big black dildo! Mackenzie: The biggest! Trisha: Oh, we should totally fuck up their credit too. And then we all unfriend them on Facebook. (Judith and Rachel come in) Judith: Oh, if they think that they have a good plan, just wait until they see the plan we have cooked up for prom! Rachel: Yes, our plan will make their plan look like... like... like... like... like... our plan is so good! Judith: So good! (Judith and Rachel laugh) Coach Spitz: Uh... carry on.